I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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