Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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