On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
