I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
