watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize