the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
