So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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