I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
