I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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