I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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