they need to just BURY HIM!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
