He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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