Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
