I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Fuck appropriateness.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize