Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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