My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
