new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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