Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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