I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
