i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
