youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
