Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He felt like a one man threesome
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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