exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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