Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize