I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
