i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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