I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just found a bag of teeth...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
