dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
