What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
