I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
