i just had sex bonerless
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Can you bring me the toilet please
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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