Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
