Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
