the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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