I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
