Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
