the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
