my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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