god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
