I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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