Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
