She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I need water and some morals
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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