I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
