I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Boobs speak an international language.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
