dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
