I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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