Just took my morning after pill in the library
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
