totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
