Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
two words...techno handjob
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
