I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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