I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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