Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I am never drinking with the goths again.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
