Do you still have your period?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
