just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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