what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
