I wanna bring you to show and tell
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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