Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize