you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
