my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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