I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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