You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
