I must be too annoying 4 u.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
