how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
