If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
